The Blair Witch Horror of First Date Food

There is something about dating when you have the grace and decorum of a baby elephant that brings an extra level of trepidation to the first meet scenario. You’re thinking, please don’t let Mrs Overall appear with her tray of macaroons (google Victoria Wood, Acorn Antiques if you’ve missed the reference) when you know you have to face the dreaded restaurant, eating in front of someone date, instead you’re hoping you can channel Meg Ryan, minus the very public orgasm (might save that for date number 5).

So you’ve not managed to swerve the suggestion of a restaurant date, therefore your initial challenge is choice of outfit. Do not, under any circumstances, wear white! White has a magnetic quality that entices all sauces with its siren song, encouraging them to Jackson Pollock your outfit Fantasia style. The massive hippo in her pink tutu mischievously picks up your fork and hovers it an inch from your mouth allowing the sauce to create its artistic masterpiece. First date restaurant clothing is all about the pattern; if it is quite dark with flecks of red in it then perfect. Your date will hopefully not notice when the pattern starts to increase as the night wears on and your slight whiff of eau de unpronounceable jus will be masked by the extra spritz of perfume you’ve discreetly sprayed when picking up your fallen napkin.

What about the unplanned let’s get some food first date? This Blair Witch of dating horrors happened to me recently. I was at the point of attraction to this man and could feel the start of a flint created spark building, when he suggested food, having not eaten before we met.   I could feel myself descend into the woolley hat, close up video, torch in face, snot streaming nose moment of panic! I nodded silently; well my mum did tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so what else could I do? Refuse the suggestion of food and he could take his smiling eyes to someone who would satisfy his appetite. I hastily glanced down to my top; thank Mary mother of Jesus for that, a pattern.

Your next challenge with food is how do you converse whilst eating? You either risk pebble dashing your poor unsuspecting victim like a 1970s builder or conduct a conversation whilst resembling Grotbags from Emu’s world (maybe another need for a google to check this one). You dissect every item on the menu imagining the potential visual masterpiece that may greet the eyes of your date and settle for risotto minus the spinach. If you manage to cross the finish line and your date asks to see you again, you feel a Steve Ovett beating Seb Coe sense of euphoria and you take you and your sauce stained top to the next venue for a celebratory drink.

So when my friends, who I will refer to as the marrieds and the attacheds, and my daughter, eagerly suggested that I apply to take part in the TV show First Dates as they vicariously acted as the PR team for the Channel 4 programme, I wondered if they had ever aired an episode with a woman resembling Monsieur Creosote before, and if not whether this may have a positive impact on audience figures.  I mean, me, apply to go on First Dates?!! Pfft. Now where’s that black and red patterned top….